


Jellybean

by foggys_cupcake_girl, redreaper86



Category: DC Extended Universe, Justice League (2017), The Batman (Movie 2021)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Arguing, Barry Needs A Medal For Putting Up With Ed, Birthday Party, Crying, Edward Nygma Throws A Tantrum, False Accusations, Flash (DCU) Played by Ezra Miller, Jealous Edward Nygma, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Penguin (DCU) Played by Colin Farrell, Polyamory, Protective Barry Allen, Riddler (DCU) Played by Paul Dano, Teasing, Threesome - M/M/M, Tickling, Verbal Humiliation, almost break-up, baby talk, ed is lime green jelly in this fic, hence his new nickname "jellybean", hero/villain relationship, so does Oswald
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28925244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggys_cupcake_girl/pseuds/foggys_cupcake_girl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/redreaper86/pseuds/redreaper86
Summary: Ed thinks Oswald loves Barry more than him. Especially when on Ed's birthday, which happens to fall on April 1, Oswald and Barry celebrate April Fool's Day instead.But, as he often does, Ed acts before he thinks.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Edward Nygma, Barry Allen/Oswald Cobblepot, Barry Allen/Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma, Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma
Comments: 28
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to foggys_cupcake_girl for letting me write out her amazing fic idea! This is the most fun I've had with these characters yet.
> 
> TW: for angst, accusations of cheating, casual mention of putting one's self in extreme danger.

_It’s official_ , Ed thinks, checking the time on his phone, feeling his heart sink even further as **5:00 pm Tue, April 1** stares back up at him. _This is my worst birthday ever_. It’s even worse than his eighth birthday. On that day, Ed’s parents had promised him a party “if he was good for once” then ended up inviting their own horrible friends over instead for an evening of booze and drugs, duct taping him up and setting him in a corner so that he wouldn’t “get into anything.”

But today? Somehow beats that horrible childhood birthday memory.

Because Oswald, for the first time in their almost twenty year relationship, seems to have completely forgotten Ed’s birthday. And that’s not even the worst of it. It is the first year Ed and Oswald spent with a third romantic partner, Barry Allen, aka the Flash, aka the gorgeous twenty-four year old around. The boy is so unfairly pretty, with those dark eyes, high cheekbones, that red kissable mouth. Ed had, of course, been aware of all this when he’d first made the decision to bring Barry home with him to meet Oswald.

And it isn’t like Ed himself is lacking in the looks department with his tall slender figure, feathery sand-coloured hair and wide-set ice-green eyes. But its not just Barry’s beauty that Ed is insecure about. Seriously, the kid is just so…annoyingly good. Not only is he not a serial killer, not only has he never killed _anybody_ , not even by accident, but he’s also a hero. He saves lives, he doesn’t take them.

However, all that Ed might understand, if Oswald and Barry had simply been too busy to remember his birthday -- with all the responsibilities Oswald has, and everything Barry’s juggling in his life: collage, saving the world, having two villain boyfriends. Ed would be hurt, yes, angry, most definitely. Would he make them spend months, if not years, making it up to him? Abso-fucking-lutely. But. They aren’t too busy, not with anything important, anyway.

They’ve been playing ridiculous pranks on each other, because it’s April Fools Day. Ed usually likes that his birthday falls on a day where tricks are played, since the Riddler is pretty much the Trickster Figure of the Rogue’s Gallery, even more so than the Joker according to public opinion polls in Gotham, a fact Ed is very proud of. But he is hating the rubber spiders, whoopee cushions, cans of fake snakes and who knows what else immature props that Barry and Oswald have been pranking each other -- and Ed -- with all day.

Ed has been patiently waiting since he woke up this morning for one of them to drop the act, for a little hint that this charade is all just a ploy to throw him off the scent of a huge surprise party for him, but --

No such luck. And Ed has gone over every scenario, but it’s not just the events of today that have him worried that Oswald and Barry are trying to shut him out, so that they can have each other to themselves. For nearly a month, Barry has been skipping up to Oswald, sitting in his lap, whispering in his ear -- much like Ed usually does. And Ed would be okay with that if it wasn’t all the time, every time, that Ed wanted to sit in Oswald’s lap, Barry was already there first. And he was getting tired of always having to ask Barry to move. Like he needed the brat’s permission or something. First of all, Barry should fucking know that when Ed walks in the room, he’s to vamoose out of Oswald’s lap -- age before beauty, thank you _very_ much. But more importantly, Oswald should know it and (gently) shove the little interloper off his knee. But he doesn’t and Barry doesn’t.

And after the fifth or sixth time Ed had had to ask Barry to move out of Oswald’s lap (where he’d been nestled for nearly half an hour while Oswald went over the books of the Iceberg Lounge) the boy did so with graceful languor he’d been distinctly lacking when Ed first brought him home. Seriously, the kid had been a gawky, awkward mess, constantly tripping over his own feet. The elegant way he moved now though -- it reminded Ed of himself. Ed had been shaken as he realized, the boy was copying him. Why? So that Ed would be rendered obsolete. He’d tried to rationalise Barry’s behaviour and Oswald’s reaction to it as harmless, but his paranoia mixed with his ever-curious brain made it all but impossible. Over the next month, Ed had watched them both, only to have his blood boil as his suspicions were supplied with ever more evidence pointing towards the same outcome, which was --

They both wanted Ed gone. They were just too ashamed to admit it, even to themselves, so they were subconsciously pushing him away.

Over the past month Ed had told himself over and over again: ‘Just wait until your birthday. If Oswald forgets it -- even if it’s the slightest bit half-assed -- then you’ll know for sure he doesn’t want you.’

Well, today, not only did Oswald forget Ed’s birthday, but he’s actively celebrating April Fools Day with Barry, the latter’s new favourite holiday, apparently (even though he’d said absolutely nothing about that the entire time they’d known him -- Ed had a sneaking suspicion that Barry made that up just to usurp Ed’s birthday from him).

Ed releases an annoyed sigh as Barry squeals in mock-horror as Oswald chases him with a very fake rubber spider. Ed has been trying to pretend he’s working on his laptop at the dining room table, designing blueprints to renovate Wonder City, Ra’s al Ghul’s abandoned underground city, into Riddle City, but between his growing rage and depression and that constant fucking noise --!

“Can you watch it?!” Ed finally snarls when Barry whizzes past for the billionth time in a row, setting his papers to flying. “I am trying to work.”

“Grrrumm-py,” Barry drawls and Ed shudders with annoyance. Where is his switchblade when he needs it? “Why aren’t you celebrating April Fools Day with us, huh?”

There is hidden laughter in Barry’s voice and Ed is suddenly very glad he doesn’t have his switchblade with him. Because if he did, Barry would be gargling his own blood right about now. A stabbing pain hits Ed behind the eyes as he realizes how far Barry is from the boy he’d brought home and shared his life, love and the love of his life with. This whole time, Ed though Barry loved him, the kid had been slowly stealing everything of Ed’s all away. And Ed still couldn’t hate him for it. Who wouldn’t want a life like Ed’s, at Oswald’s side? The only comfort Ed has -- and cold comfort it is too -- is that Barry really does love Oswald for Oswald, like Ed does. He isn’t putting on an act to try to get the money, power and status of the Penguin. It’s the only reason Ed hasn’t murdered him weeks ago.

“Because,” Edward growls, through gritted teeth, staring at his computer screen, “I HATE April Fools Day.”

“Well, maybe this will make you feel better…” Barry hands him a cylinder-shaped present wrapped in shiny-green wrapping paper with pretty purple bow on top. Ed gives a tiny gasp and his heart beats quicker.

Barry nods. “For April Fool’s Day,” he says but Ed doesn’t believe it for a second. Could it be possible that these past weeks Ed has had it all wrong? Ed loves being right but this time he’s never been more glad to be wrong. All his anger and pain begins to fade away with this one kind gift. Until he opens it, that is --

Because as soon he does, paper snakes explode all around as Barry’s musical laugh rings out behind him.

In one swift motion, Ed smashes the can into the table as he shoots up from his chair, knocking it backwards. He whirls around to face Barry, who whooshes backwards a good ten feet, his pretty face ashen, his dark eyes huge. Ed feels a dark sort of joy surge through his veins, the kind that he feels before he kills. That god-it-feels-good-to-destroy-something-beautiful feeling. How he’s missed it. Ed sees Oswald step closer to Barry, stand in front of him, ready to protect him.

Like he used to do for Ed.

Ed’s eyes widen as the last remaining shards of his broken heart shatter into powder. He’d really thought it would hurt more. Instead he feels nothing. Just a little cold. A little stiff. Like he’s died somewhat.

“Oh my god,” Ed says, laughing. “You’ve really replaced me, haven’t you?” He doesn’t know if it’s Oswald or Barry he’s asking this question, it is directed at both of them, it applies to both of them. “You think you’re better than me, don’t you?” Ed looks right at Barry who is gripping Oswald’s shoulders, not to hold him in front, Ed knows, but to whoosh him to safety in case Ed, the psycho serial killer these two ‘normal’ people have been tolerating, goes berserk. The rage Ed feels is all that is holding him upright. He sneers and takes a step forward.

“Edward --” Oswald begins, but Ed interrupts him:

“You’ve really upgraded, huh, Ozzie? And, idiot that I am, I helped you do it, I brought him home to you. As a gift. Isn’t that hilarious?”

“Look, Ed,” Barry begins, “you don’t understand --”

“Oh, I understand, Barry,” Ed laughs then, a mad, terrible laugh. It sounds like a whole stack of plates smashing. “I understand perfectly. You’re just doing what I would do, only better. You’re the newer, younger, cooler model. I’ve been outmoded. You both are just too embarrassed to tell me to get lost so you can have each other to yourselves. But I get the message loud and clear. I won’t inflict you with my presence any longer.” He closes his laptop, unplugs it, tucks it under his arm.

“Edward, what the fuck are you talking about?” Oswald finally snarls, sounding absolutely furious.

“I think he’s breaking up with us,” Barry says, _sotto vocce_. Edward whirls around furious and Barry whooshes in front of Oswald to protect him.

 _Oh, that fucking does it_ \--

“Which is exactly what you planned, you sneaky, underhanded, _ungrateful_ little bastard!” Ed explodes and Barry puts his hands forward, palms outstretched, a placating gesture but Ed doesn’t let him get one word out, he forges ahead, all the pent-up anger and pain pouring out of him like a toxic spill of chemicals.

“Oswald never forgot my birthday until today, until YOU --” he chokes up and to his horror, tears are streaming down his face, “-- and if you both wanted to get rid of me so bad, you could’ve just told me, instead of waiting until my fucking birthday to conjure up this mediocre little charade to drive me away -- April Fools Day, my ASS! Ugh, but I should’ve known, Oswald. You’ve never liked to get your hands dirty, you’re always having your goons kill people for you. It always bothered you, my vocation as a serial killer, and now not only do you have a perfect, younger, prettier version of me -- with fucking superpowers, _hooray_ \-- but he’s a fucking hero. Wouldn’t even kill a fly, let alone a person. Like I do. All the fucking time.

“You know what, maybe this is good, this seeing other people thing,” Ed gasps and laughs through his tears. “Like I can start seeing another homicidal psycho just like me! I hear the Joker’s single again. Maybe I can go crawling over to him and be his next little whore. Maybe he’ll beat me, rape me, throw me into a vat of chemicals! Won’t that be fun? Or, OR,” Ed says quickly because Barry and Oswald are staring at him with such horror -- Ed thinks he even sees tears running down their faces but he must be hallucinating, “maybe he’ll kill me! I’m sure that’ll make the two of you really fucking happy, you --”

He breaks off with a sob, then turns and runs upstairs to their bedroom, theirs meaning his, Barry’s and Oswald’s, grabs the door and slams it with all his strength -- resulting in an immensely satisfying crash.

Then the magnitude of what he’s just lost comes at him in a title wave and the pain nearly brings him to his knees. But he hears Oswald lumbering up the stairs, so he quickly locks the door, heads to the closet and tugs out a huge green valise.

He’s leaving. For good.


	2. Chapter 2

Ed grabs every green article of clothing in the closet and heaves it out onto the bed -- even one of Oswald’s suits, a couple of Barry’s hoodies -- if its green, Ed’s taking it. It’s the least they both owe him.

He can hear Oswald pounding on the door, threatening to break it down, then he hears a metallic rattling of the door knob --

Barry is picking the lock, Ed realizes. Both Oswald and Barry really care enough to chase him all the way up here, unpick the lock…they must care, right? _No_ , Ed decides a sob escaping him, _they’re just going to try to lie their way out of this…just like your parents always did. “We’ll treat you better…eventually. We’ll go to rehab… eventually. We’ll pay for your education…eventually.”_ Ed knew the stink of empty promises from a mile away, before people even made them by now. He isn’t about to get fooled again -- now where the fuck are his knives…

The bedroom door bursts open just as Ed starts throwing knives and rolls of duct tape onto the pile of clothes. He hears Oswald say:

“Edward, would you just stop for a moment!” 

Ed picks up a particularly heavy knife with a handle shaped like an eagle -- a gift from Oswald, for their first anniversary together. Ed throws it out of the closet as well, only to notice Oswald standing there at the very last second --

\-- all of Ed’s blood freezes in his veins only thaw out a millisecond later when Barry is suddenly in front of Oswald holding the heavy knife an inch from Oswald’s eye. Ed feels the blood drain from his face as the reality of what almost happened -- he almost killed Oswald! 

Barry explodes at him:

“Would you calm the fuck down before you kill the only man who’s ever really loved you?” He grabs Ed by the lapels and shoves him against the closet door. “We didn’t forget your birthday, okay? We’ve been planning a surprise party for you at the Iceberg Lounge for three weeks. It was all my idea to celebrate April Fools Day instead, okay? To throw you off the trail. So if you gonna kill anyone, kill me and not Oswald, he told me this might backfire…” 

He breaks off as Ed bursts into tears, covers his face and sinks to the floor, “…and he was right. Oh, god…” Barry’s voice shakes as he crouches down to Ed’s level, practically sitting in Ed’s lap and grips Ed’s wrists. 

“I’m so fucking sorry, Ed.” Ed can feel Barry’s long hair drape against his hands as the boy rests his forehead against Ed’s. “I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you like this, I certainly wasn’t trying to drive you away -- I love you, okay, I would never _do_ that!” Barry is really crying now, Ed feels the boy’s slim body shaking against his own. “I love you so fucking much, I’d rather die than hurt you like this. I’ll -- I’ll even leave if you ask me to --”

Ed chokes out a watery “NO!” and grips two handfuls of Barry’s hair to physically keep him there. 

“‘No?’” Barry breathes, the hope in his voice a knife to Ed’s heart. “As in: no, you don’t want me to go?”

“If you try to leave,” Ed growls through his tears, “I’ll hunt you down and kill you.” Then the creepiness of what he’s just said hits him. “I -- I mean --” 

But Barry crashes his mouth down over Ed’s before he can finish. When he pulls back, he has the biggest sunniest smile on his lovely face as though having his life threatened by a psychotic serial killer is the most romantic thing ever.

“I love you _so_ much, Ed,” Barry laughs, his tears already dangling from his long eyelashes like forgotten raindrops after a storm. “So much -- you don’t even know…”

“How can you still love me after how I treated you, Sparkplug?” Ed asks, his breath hitching as all the awful things he’s said, things he’s accused Barry and Oswald of, all come rushing back. “Either of you? I wouldn’t blame you a bit if you kicked me out right now. Or at least stabbed me. I deserve a good stabbing.”

“Oh, Edward,” Oswald laughs somewhat exhaustedly, as he kneels down beside both Ed and Barry. “I wish you would’ve just talked to me, you know, before you put yourself through all this…”

All the pain of not only today but the past three weeks -- all the doubt, the hate, the guilt, the self-loathing -- hits Ed like a tidal wave and he can’t hold back a fresh bout of sobbing. 

“Shh, shh, baby…” Oswald gently grips the back of Ed’s neck in unspoken comfort.

“Hey, hey -- no more crying, alright?” Barry cups Ed’s face in his hands, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. 

“I -- was -- so awful to both of you --” Ed gulps, trying to control himself but the tears and the bone-wracking sobs don’t let up, they just get worse. “I said the most horrible things…”

“That’s all in the past now, my love…” Oswald murmurs into Ed’s ear.

“Yeah, dude, you just got a bit jelly,” Barry says breezily, with the nonchalance of youth. “Lime green jelly, to be exact. You were a lime green jellybean. In fact, that’s what I’m gonna call you from now on. Jellybean.”

Ed snorts in spite of himself. “You’re giving me a nickname now?”

“Sure, why not?” Barry demands. “You call me, ‘Sparkplug.’ Os, ‘Birdie‘… So it’s high time you got a nickname too.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Ed asks. “You should be stabbing me right now. I’d be stabbing me right now if I were you.”

“You really wanna know how you can make it up to me?” Barry says seriously.

“Yes, I’ll do anything,” Ed says, meaning it with all his heart. “I’ll crawl through broken glass, I’ll be nice to Zsasz...anything.”

“Just come to your birthday party at the Lounge,” Barry says, “and have a good time.”

“That’s _it_?!” Ed snaps, hearing the outrage in his own voice. “I deserve to be stabbed.”

His face goes hot as Barry laughs at him, a warm deep laugh that sets Ed’s insides to fluttering. When did the awkward kid he’d brought home get so…sure of himself? Barry leans forward and kisses Ed’s forehead like -- like _Barry’s_ the older one. 

“Come to the party,” Barry says between gentle kisses on Ed’s forehead, his eyes, his nose, his cheeks, his mouth, his mouth, his mouth. “And have a good time.” 

Barry draws back with the wicked look in those dark brown eyes of his. “Or you’ll have to answer to me, little Jellybean.”

Ed’s breath speeds up, as his lush imagination provides him with endlessly intriguing interpretations of that sentence.

~ 

_Come to the party._

_Have a good time._

Two simple things Barry asked of Ed, and Ed can’t even do those right. 

The entire drive over to the Iceberg Lounge, Ed’s heart is beating so fast he can feel it bruising against his ribs. 

Oswald, bless him, seems to realize Ed’s vulnerability and has laced his thick fingers through Ed’s long slim ones. 

_Come to the party, have a good time…_ maybe Barry actually knew what he was doing when he said that was how Ed could make it up to him. Because honestly…Ed thinks as the limo pulls up to the front of the Iceberg Lounge --

_I’d much rather be stabbed._


	3. Chapter 3

Ed stares at all the green and gold trappings of the Iceberg Lounge, all the question mark decorations, the huge green and white three tiered cake, all the rogues milling about ready to celebrate him and feels violently ill. His knees buckle and his stomach churns as bile rises up his throat.

“He’s going to be sick,” Oswald realizes. “Barry can you --?”

Ed feels Barry’s arms wrap around his waist, a slight rush of air. Then --

Both of them are in the huge luxurious bathroom of Oswald’s office suite. Ed retches over the porcelain bowl of the toilet, bringing up only water and coffee, he’s had nothing at all to eat today. Jealousy is a jealous mistress, Ed supposes, flushing toilet as he gets up off his knees.

“Are you okay?” Barry asks, his young voice full of worry. It twists the knife into Ed’s already battered heart. How can this kid be so good? So caring? After how Ed doubted him, how Ed treated him, all the terrible names Ed called him.

“Do I _look_ okay?” Ed demands as he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror above the sink. His eyes are puffy, his eye makeup is smudged and his face the colour of whey. “Oh my god, I look like a fucking corpse. I turned thirty-seven years old today, it’s all downhill from here.”

“Thirty-seven isn’t that old,” Barry says, with all the assurance of someone who has thirteen years to enjoy before reaching such a horrendously daunting age.

“It’s three years away from forty!” Ed screeches, whirling around and stomping out of the bathroom and into Oswald’s office, heading straight for the wardrobe (or the piece of furniture that looks like a wardrobe) in against the wall behind Oswald’s desk. “I might as well just die right now!”

“Well, what’s so bad about forty?” Barry asks.

“UGH…” Ed snarls (such a ridiculous question doesn’t even merit a response) as he yanks open the ‘wardrobe,’ jumping back as a fully made bed flops down. The sheets are immaculate -- changed every day, thanks to Oswald’s fastidious housekeeper, Olga. 

Ed flings himself dramatically onto the bed, buries his face into a pillow and screams and screams and screams. After a good two minutes of solid (but muffled) screaming, Ed hears fragments of speech:

“…is going on up here?!” 

“…don’t know…out of the bathroom…talking about getting old…”

Ed keeps right on screaming, screaming, screaming to drown both Oswald and Barry out. Before he knows it, he’s worked himself up into a irreversible passion of weeping. _Now_ , he thinks, grinning even as he sobs, _I’ll have to stay up here, away from the party like the mad wife in the attic in Jane Eyre_. 

Because he’s now whipped himself up into such a frenzy that he literally cannot stop crying -- not even if he tries. And he _does_ try -- just to see if he _can_ at this point -- with disastrous results. A cry like that of a wounded animal rips out of Ed, shakes his entire body to its core.

“Shit,” Barry says sounding awestruck by the sheer magnitude of Ed’s crying fit.

“Maybe we should call this off,” Oswald says, which just makes Ed cry even harder. It’s his birthday, damn it, why can’t Oswald fix this, fix Ed, the way he always does?

“ _Seriously_?!” Barry exclaims, also sounding mighty put out. “But we went to so much trouble!”

Ed raises his woeful head. “Just -- go on -- without me --” he manages. “I’ll be -- f --” The word he’d tried to say was ‘fine,’ but another bone-wracking sob rips through him and he drops his head into his arms again as he’s seized once more with another bout of uncontrollable weeping.

“Ohh, Ed, sweetheart,” Oswald sighs, and Ed feels the mattress dip as Oswald sits beside him, his large warm hand cupping the side of Ed’s head, covering his ear. “You’ve really done a number on yourself this time, haven’t you?”

“Mm-hm,” Ed whimpers, a new wave of self pity washing over him. “This is the -- hic! -- absolute _worst_ I’ve -- hic! -- ever fe-helt, Ozzie. Ugh, ju-hust -- hic! -- kill me now!”

Oswald clicks his tongue in sympathy as he rubs Ed’s heaving back. “Just go ahead without us, Sparkplug. He’s gonna be like this for hours.”

“‘ _Hours_?!’” Barry yells now, understandably outraged. “We can’t wait hours! Everyone’s getting antsy down there. Harley texted me and says that it’s all her and Dinah can do to keep Zsasz away from the cake! They can’t hold him off much longer.”

Ed lets out a fresh wail at the thought of gross Zsasz getting at his beautiful cake.

“I don’t know what to tell you, love,” Oswald says to Barry with a rueful laugh. “But there’s no managing him like this.” 

“This has happened _before_?!” Barry asks, sounding half-horrified, half amused. “How often does this _happen_?”

“Only when he’s really, _really_ upset,” Oswald says, sounding defensive on Ed’s behalf. Ed’s heart warms with love for his birdie, even as he wallows in his own misery. “Once every three months, at the most.”

Ed lifts his head up to give voice to a louder howl of grief -- to demonstrate, of course -- before dropping his head back into his arms. 

“But I’ve been with you guys for a year now,” Barry says, raising his voice to be heard over Ed’s din. “By your math, this should’ve happened four times already! Where was I during all those times?”

“Out with your hero friends,” Oswald answers miserably.

“What, _every_ time?”

“Well, we tried to time these…episodes for when you were out.” Oswald sounds very sheepish and Ed can feel his own ears go hot as he fights off a vicious attack of the crying hiccups. “We were…well, to be honest, love, we were afraid we’d scare you off.”

“Scare me off?!” Barry bursts out laughing. “You do realize I’ve gone up against Space Satan himself? I think I can handle a forty-year-old man throwing a tantrum.”

“I’M THIRTY-SEVEN!” Ed bellows, raising his head up from his arms. “And I’m NOT throwing a tantrum, Sparkplug! I’m really upset, this is the absolute worst I’ve ever felt…”

“Worse than when Catwoman beat you at your own Riddle Game and emptied your bank accounts?” Oswald asks tiredly.

“Yes!” Ed screeches. “Way worse than that!” 

“Worse than when the Scarecrow supposedly stole your donut in Arkham?”

“Yes! And that was my donut, I stole it fair and square from the Joker!” Then at the thought of that past injustice, Ed immediately starts blubbering again. “It was the only donut in the joint! I never got it back…” 

Oswald raises his hands and drops them noisily on his thighs in desperation.

“Mind if I try to talk to him?” Barry asks softly, ever helpful.

“Well, you can try, love…” Oswald laughs and Ed would laugh too if he wasn’t crying his heart out at the moment. 

_Yeah, good luck with that, Sparkplug_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for much teasing, tickling and very mild verbal humiliation ;)

Ed squeals in outrage as, in a matter of seconds, Barry flips him over onto his back, straddles him at the waist, and begins pulling at Ed’s arms which are locked over his own face. 

“Ed, put your arms down,” Barry insists, laughing. 

“No!” Ed yells, his voice muffled from the fabric of his sleeves. 

“Now, why not?” Barry asks calmly, all reasonable and mature which just makes Ed want to act like a deranged toddler all the more.

“Because,” Ed growls, not budging his arms an inch, “my face is all red from bawling.”

“Aww, I’m sure it’s a very cute red face,” Barry teases. “It’ll go great with your green suit. Reminds me of Christmas.”

Ed giggles in spite of himself. Then he remembers he’s supposed to be inconsolable. “Stop being funny,” he whines, still muffled under his arms. “I don’t wanna laugh right now.”

“Oh, you _don’t_ , don’t you?” Barry purrs, his voice deepening like it did before as he slides his fingers down the sides of Ed’s chest -- 

And plunges them into his armpits. Ed’s reaction is as seamless as a science experiment -- he lets out an ear-piercing squeal, slams his arms down, trapping Barry’s hands against his ribs where, of course, they wreak ticklish havoc.

“ _Bar-ha-ary! Sto-ho-hop it-hit_!” Ed squeals, squirming about, arching his back, all in a vain attempt to escape the playful torture. 

“I’m not _trying_ to tickle you.” Barry drawls, the grin on his face belying his serious tone as he mercilessly wriggles his fingers into Ed’s upper ribs. “I’m just trying to get my hands out from under your arms.”

“You -- ahh -- little _liar_!” Ed manages to gurgle out between giggles. “Ozzie! Help!”

“Alright, darling,” Oswald says indulgently. “But you have to let Barry have his hands back. Raise your arms up…” 

Ed does so, trusting Oswald will let him get back to the serious business of feeling horribly sorry for himself, and send this impudent little sparkplug away. But then --

Oswald seizes both of Ed’s wrists and pins them into the mattress above Ed’s head, completely exposing the latter’s lean torso to all of Barry’s playful sadism.

“No-no-no-no-no!” Ed yells, laughing despite his outrage. “Traitorous bird! I meant help _me_ , not _him_!”

“This _is_ helping you,” Oswald says as Barry scratching his fingernails at an inhuman speed up and down Ed’s sides, over and over again, eliciting from him yet more peals of laughter, more squeals of profanity. “You need cheering up.”

“I do-hon’t -- wa-hant -- to be cheered u-hup!” Ed hollers as he writhes and squirms. It is no use, he is helplessly stretched out, his every ticklish spot on display for Barry’s delectation, which the younger man takes full and complete advantage of. 

Even with his dignity in shreds, being teased and humiliated like a child by his much younger boyfriend, Ed still tries to be defiant: “You can’t just -- ooh -- force me to -- ahh -- _fu-huck_!” 

“Oh-ho-ho, yes, I _can_ ,” Barry laughs, squeezing relentlessly at Ed’s ultra-sensitive sides, eliciting from him the most humiliating little squeals and gurgles. “I already am. Listen to yourself, giggling like a baby. That’s all you are, you know. A big sparkly green baby in constant need of attention.”

Oswald bursts out laughing at the pin-point accuracy of this last statement and Ed feels his whole body go hot as he blushes. To be so thoroughly ganged up on like this, it is so humiliating. And hot.

“I’m gonna fu-hucking ki-hill you --” Ed tries to sound menacing but giggling while threatening to kill someone is not the most efficient way to intimidate them. As he learns the hard way when both Barry and Oswald laugh at him again.

“Aww, how cute, is da big bad Widdler twying to be all scaewy?” Barry mocks Ed in baby-talk. “Cootchie-cootchie-coo!” And he scrabbles his nails gently at Ed’s neck causing him to go into a silent scream of laughter.

“Are you ready to go down to your party now?” Barry demands, scouring his nails all over Ed’s stomach which is concave, sucked in as far as it will go, which is still not enough to save it from Barry’s torturous digits. Ed is actively wheezing but he still manages to squeak out:

“No!” 

“Aw, why not?” Barry complains, slowing the tickling down enough to let Ed catch his breath, which he does so gratefully, his belly heaving as he gulps up precious oxygen. Barry’s fingers remain perched upon its surface. “I wanna have cake.”

“Yes, Ed,” Oswald says. “The poor lad’s hungry. Hell, _I’m_ hungry.”

Barry nods, making the most sorrowful puppy-dog eyes. 

“Then go have cake!” Ed says, flopping his head to the side dramatically. He’s not to be thwarted from his self-pity fest this easily. “Without me.”

“We can’t eat birthday cake without the birthday boy, can we, Os?” Barry says. “I guess we’ll have to settle for raspberries.”

“What are you talking about --” Ed begins only to screech when Barry shoves Ed’s shirt up and dives down to fasten his lips on the other man’s bare stomach and blow a loud, wet, exceeding rude-sounding raspberry there. Ed lets out a high-pitched squeal and renews his efforts to squirm away but Barry just continues to give him playful bites and raspberries until Ed can’t even scream anymore, just whimper and keen.

“Ok-hay…just…sto-hop…” Ed whines finally, weakly shoving at Barry’s head. Barry gives Ed’s belly one last slobbery, loud, extremely ticklish kiss before getting up and tossing his long hair back, wiping the spit off his chin with the back of his hand, with a grin so sexy it oughta be illegal.

Ed tries to sit up but his head throbs viciously. He puts a hand to his temple and groans.

“Are you okay?” Barry asks, his dark eyes earnest as he shoves his own hair behind his ears.

“Uhm…” Ed says. He feels physically awful, his sinuses are all plugged up, he has an acute headache and his eyes sting so much that he can barely keep them open. He knows he owes going to this party to Barry and Os but right now he wants nothing so much as to curl up in their laps (he needs both their laps because he’s so long) and have them sing him to sleep.

“Why don’t you head down ahead of us, love?” Oswald says to Barry. “We’ll be right behind you.”

“Okay…” Barry looks from Ed to Os, understanding. “I’ll go help Harley and Dinah keep Zsasz away from the cake.” He whooshes out of the room.

Oswald heads over to the fridge, takes out a bottle of orange juice and brings it to Ed. 

“You need to rehydrate, lovely.” 

Ed’s breath hitches as he takes the chilly bottle.

“You’re alright, baby.” Oswald says, rubbing Ed’s knee as he sips at his orange juice. “You’re okay.”

Ed places his hand on Oswald’s. “I wouldn’t be without you, you know,” he says. “Either of you.”


	5. Chapter 5

“There he is!” Harley yells, pointing at Ed from Zsasz’s back where she is clinging like a spider monkey.

“What took them all so long?” Dinah says, standing in front of Zsasz, blocking him from the cake like a hockey goalie.

“What do you think took them so long?” Zsasz makes another mad dash at the cake, regardless of Harley on his back, only to be blocked by Dinah again. “Just look at riddle-boy! That’s the walk of shame right there.”

Several rogues seem to be thinking the same thing, some openly laugh, some smile knowingly, all of them whisper to each other. 

Ed clings tight to Oswald, his face burning, all of which help to sell to his fellow rogues that he did indeed have a birthday quickie with Barry and Os in Oswald’s office. The notion is further solidified when Ed sees Barry talking enthusiastically to Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch, and from the way the huge unkempt Southern doctor and the tiny blonde Englishman swivel their heads in Ed’s direction and smirk at him it is very clear what Barry has just told them. Normally Ed would show off about such a tryst, even if it is a fib, but today he just wants to curl up on Oswald’s lap and be held. Which is exactly what happens when Oswald sits down at his VIP table.

Barry zooms over to them both. “Ready for cake now?” The chipper enthusiasm in the young hero’s voice just makes Ed feel even more tired.

“Would you mind cutting the cake, Sparkplug?” he asks, his head comfortably wedged in the crook of Oswald’s neck, not about to emerge anytime soon.

“Of course not, Jellybean,” Barry says generously, tucking some of Ed’s hair behind his ear. “I’d be happy to.”

More wolf-whistles and catcalls from the rogues erupt around them. Ed feels Oswald squeeze him tighter, slip a hand up the side of his jacket to caress the soft skin of Ed’s side. Ed lets the sweet touch ground him. Let the fools think what they like. They have no idea how lucky Ed actually is.

With a few whooshes, Barry has dissected the huge cake, making sure every single person at the party gets a slice. Then, just as he is about to sit beside Oswald with his own piece of cake, Barry reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone to look at it. The look of joy on his face at what he sees is downright angelic.

“Oh my gosh, she actually came,” he says. “She’s here!”

““Who’s here?”” Ed and Oswald say together.

“Uhm,” Barry says, tucking a hank of his long hair behind his ear. “Don’t freak out.”

““Why would we freak out?”” Ed says in unison with Oswald again.

“You see that, what you’re doing right now?” Barry flaps his hands at them. “That weird talking-in-unison-thing like those two creepy little kids from The Shining? Text-book freaking out.”

““Who’s here, Sparkplug?!””

“Ugh, okay, I’ll tell you if it’ll make you both stop doing that. Diana’s here.”

“We know Black Canary’s here,” Oswald says. “She’s right over there eating cake with Huntress.”

“Not ‘Dinah.’ ‘Diana,’” Barry says, looking sheepish. “My friend from…you know. Work.”

““Wonder Woman’s here?””

Barry glares at them both, before other villains begin murmuring the same thing. Ed looks up and there is Wonder Woman herself, in full Amazonian Warrior outfit, walking through the horde of villains like…well, like the princess she is. Ed feels the blood drain from his face as she fixes her serene gaze on him and begins wending her way towards them, appreciative villain gazes following her as she goes. 

Ed suddenly feels ten inches tall. What has this gorgeous goddess heard about him from Barry? Has Barry told her about Ed flipping out at Barry this morning? Does she know Ed is a serial killer? Ed blushes and buries his face in the crook of Oswald’s neck, feeling like an idiot for doing the ostrich thing, just like he used to do when he was a child and his parents would literally shove him toward their awful friends whenever they were over. Ed would cry and try to hold onto his parents, these horrible people who ignored him for his whole life, just so that he wouldn’t be passed around to strangers to be handled like an object, a toy. 

_Just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they can’t see you_ … Ed grinds his teeth as he remembers his mother’s sugary sweet there’s-company-over-so-do-what-we-tell-you-or-there’ll-be-hell-to-pay voice when he’d tried in vain to bury his little face in her neck, cling to her shoulders with his small arms all those years ago…

“So this is the birthday boy, hm?” a honeyed voice murmurs, gentle but decidedly amused. “Hello, Edward.”

Ed raises his head off of Oswald’s shoulder with an effort, and raises his face to the lovely lady hero. “Hi,” he offers, trying (and promptly failing) to keep eye contact with her for more than a few seconds. He lowers his gaze, blushing, and rests his forehead against Oswald’s temple. 

“He’s adorable.” Diana reaches out and tickles Ed under the chin, causing him to whine a little and curl closer to Oswald. “They both are,” she says to Barry. “You have chosen well.” 

Barry bites his lip, clearly to keep from grinning from ear to ear. A wave of sadness seems to overtake his pretty face as his smile fades. “I wish they all would be as understanding as you.” 

Barry is talking about the rest of the Justice League, Ed knows. He feels a pang of sorrow for Barry, the JL is the closest thing the boy has to family. Ed is actually surprised Wonder Woman is being so accepting of the Flash seeing not one but two supervillains. 

“I brought what you asked for, Barry,” Diana says, reaching for a small leather box attached to her belt. “I know you understand what a big step you are taking.”

Barry nods takes the little box from Diana. He nervously tucks his hair behind one ear, then looks at Ed and Oswald. 

The air is pregnant with expectation. Ed raises his head from Oswald’s shoulder in interest. He can’t hold back a gasp which mingles with Oswald’s when Barry get’s down on one knee.

“Ed, Os,” Barry says, opening the box to reveal two rings inside, one rose-gold with an emerald gemstone, the other white-gold with an amethyst gemstone. “Will you both marry me?”

Ed feels Oswald’s grip on him tighten and it is all Ed can do to keep from squealing aloud with excitement. 

All the villains in the club went absolutely silent. Ed could practically hear them leaning forward in expectation.

““Yes!”” Ed and Oswald say together and all the villains cheer as Barry leaps to his feet and throws his arms around them.

“Gimme!” Ed squeals, grabbing the box of rings and shoving the rose gold one with the emerald on his ring finger, where it fits extremely loosely.

“Um, that one’s for Oswald,” Barry says, gently sliding the rose gold one off of Ed’s finger and replacing it with the white gold one with the amethyst. “I thought it would be cool if you both had each other’s colours. So, you know, you could be reminded of each other.”

“Wow, Sparkplug,” Ed gasps, his eyes misting over. “You think of everything. You really are perfect.”

Barry snorts and shakes his head. “Far from it,” he says, slipping the rose gold ring onto Oswald’s finger. “Diana helped me think of it.”

“Wonder Woman is helping you marry us?” Oswald says.

“Of course,” Diana says sweetly. “True love is…so hard to find. Especially in Gotham.”

Harley jumps off Zsasz’s back and onto Diana’s. “Does this mean me and Wonder Woman get to be your grooms-maids?”

“Of course!” Barry laughs.

“Hey I wanna do something too!” Zsasz says. “I actually have to put up with you three clowns.”

“You can carry the rings,” Ed sneers. “Like a dog. We’ll put a little ring-cushion on your back and everything.”

Zsasz lights up, even as the others burst out laughing.

Ed lays his head against Oswald’s again. Barry still has his arms around their shoulders.

“So…” Barry says to Ed. “Did you like your birthday, Jellybean?”

Ed doesn’t even dignify that silly question with a response. Instead he pulls his beautiful sparkplug forward by his collar and kisses him smack on the mouth.


End file.
